Being in an unhappy relationship is difficult.
I see a lot of very unhappy patients every day in my capacity as a therapist.
There are many causes of unhappiness, but one causes emotional suffering to be amplified more than practically anything else:
Being in an unhealthy love relationship is one of the things that makes us the most miserable.
And how can people end up in unsatisfactory relationships? They frequently do this as a result of entering a committed relationship with an emotionally immature person.
On the other hand, preventing romantic involvement with emotionally immature people in the first place is one of the best things you can do to enhance both your mental health and happiness.
Here are a few warning signs to look out for:
1. They only talk and do nothing
I can't believe I missed it before... He talks a nice game, but he never actually follows through.
I would be writing this essay from a villa on the French Riviera if I had a quarter for every time I heard one of the following statements.
We all tend to be drawn to those who talk a nice game but never delivered due to a fundamental misunderstanding of what true love entails.
Of course, looking back, it's simple to see that 90% of what they stated was nonsense after ten years of an unhappy marriage. However, when oxytocin is flooding your brain and your entire body is humming with sexual energy, you tend to focus on the positive and disregard some very clear warning signs.
Your body only cares about your genes being passed on; it doesn't give a damn about your happy marriage in the future.
I have nothing against people finding love, though. It's among the best emotions and experiences we ever have. And there's no reason why you can't have it and a fulfilling long-term relationship at the same time. Simply be prepared to hunt for the less desirable material right away. Observing differences between words and deeds is among the most crucial aspects of that.
Here are a few illustrations of what it appears like when someone's actions contradict their words:
They tell you they don't mind if you spend Saturdays hanging out with pals, yet they pick on you all week.
They often work late hours even though they claim that work-life balance is crucial.
They claim to be accepting of your unconventional political beliefs yet mock them anytime the subject of politics comes up.
If you get engaged with someone who can't reliably match their words with their deeds, you'll be miserable with them, regardless of how attractive or amusing they are.
Saying no to emotionally immature Juliets and psychologically stunted Romeos will therefore be a favor to your future self.
2. They Refuse to Accept Vulnerability
Trust is the foundation of happy, lasting partnerships. And intimacy is necessary for building trust because it allows two people to openly discuss anything, including their deepest worries and doubts.
However, it leaves gaps in the relationship when you're unable to have an intimate interaction. These holes gradually widen into gulfs. If your relationship has enough gaps in it, you will, at most, become very amicable roommates. However, it usually results in long-lasting anger and loneliness.
But here's the thing: even if most people can be intimate in some aspects of their lives, they frequently struggle in others:
Asking someone to talk about their past may cause them to shut down and freeze, even though they may not have any issues with sexual intimacy.
Or perhaps they are fully capable of sharing sensitive details about their hopes and dreams, but they avoid doing so.
Some people struggle with intimacy for a variety of reasons, but emotional vulnerability is a common one.
If being open and honest causes them to feel some deeply painful feelings that they have been suppressing, they find it difficult to do so. And while it is possible to work on and enhance one's capacity for intimacy as well as emotional vulnerability, one must be ready to do so.
So, be alert for symptoms of emotional fragility whether you're dating or thinking about entering a committed relationship. Attempt to spot indications that your partner is at least eager to attempt being more emotionally open if you do find any:
Are they at least willing to discuss upsetting recollections or past experiences?
Are they open to trying counseling or therapy to work through issues with vulnerability?
Do they acknowledge their trouble with vulnerability, which is maybe most crucial?
Everyone has weak points and sensitive areas that they would prefer to keep concealed. Finding someone willing to work on themselves, despite the suffering, is crucial if you want to be in a long-term relationship.
3. They Give You Bad Feelings for Your Bad Feelings
Guilt-tripping… Gaslighting… Whatever you choose to call it, it's time to end the relationship if your spouse consistently makes you feel guilty for your negative emotions.
When you date someone emotionally immature, one of the issues is that the focus continually shifts to them.
People who have severe insecurities and a history of low self-esteem are constantly looking for solutions to feel better. And frequently, this is done at the expense of others.
People who lack emotional maturity, for instance, frequently criticize others. They feel good/clever/smart by pointing out how someone else is bad/incorrect/dumb. They criticize others' weaknesses to feel better about themselves since they are unable to come up with positive ways to feel good about themselves.
Making someone feel bad about feeling bad is known as emotional guilt-tripping, and it is one very subtle but harmful type of this.
Here's an illustration:
Let's say you'd like your lover to put down the phone more often when you're together. So you bring this up with them, which leads to a challenging, emotional conversation. If you weren't so insecure, this wouldn't even have been a problem, your lover eventually says to you.
That is a psychological guilt trip. They attempt to characterize a completely normal emotion in you—frustration that your partner frequently isn't fully present while you're together because of their phone—as something negative.
Avoid falling for that. Additionally, if it starts to repeat itself, you may be dating an emotionally immature person.
4. They Are Averse to Trying New Things
If there is one thing I hear over and over about what makes a marriage or long-term connection unsatisfactory, it is rigidity:
She never wants to try anything new for the holidays; she sticks to the same rituals every single time.
I've often asked him to start helping around the house with some of the duties, but he just never does.
I'm quite concerned about our financial situation, but despite my several budgeting suggestions and attempts to convince her to consult a financial advisor, she simply won't make any changes.
He is so set on raising our children in the same manner in which he was raised. He just doesn't see that perhaps we should act differently or at the very least research our choices.
On the other hand, if each partner exhibits a willingness to attempt new things and learn to do things that are unique or uncomfortable, this is one of the best indicators that a romantic relationship will last over time.
Of course, the trick is to distinguish between discourse and behavior.
Everyone will claim they are willing to try new things, learn from their mistakes, accept criticism, etc. However, when dating, you should search for signs that they are eager and able to do this.
Think about it:
Does the person I'm dating accept criticism and feedback well? Or do they become combative and defensive?
Do they strive to embrace it or just grudgingly comply if I suggest doing something novel or unconventional?
Do they ask for assistance or guidance when they run into problems or have trouble with something?
One of the most important qualities to look for in a spouse is flexibility and the ability to change course when circumstances demand it.
Your relationship will be much more enjoyable as a result of being able to work through difficult moments with less stress and conflict.
When you're dating someone, watch for behavioral indicators of adaptability and a desire to explore new experiences.
5. They insist on having the final say.
You may have read the following subheading and wondered to yourself:
They want to speak last, so, sure, yeah. It's frustrating, but surely that can't be the deciding factor?
Look, occasionally we all strive to get the last say. We all enjoy believing that we are correct, justified, and have "won" the discussion (as stupid as it seems in retrospect).
Problematic is when there is a trend of always having to speak last during arguments and conversations.
If a person can't help needing to always have the last word, there are usually much more serious underlying problems at play.
Specifically, they are too insecure to accept admitting that another person is correct. Regardless matter who is right, their delicate egos can't handle "losing" even a single argument.
Unfavorable news.
How are they going to handle being wrong about forgetting to hire a DJ for the wedding or missing your child's piano recital if they can't handle being mistaken about where they left the car?
It could seem like a minor inconvenience that's manageable, but it's frequently a symptom of far more serious issues that are going unnoticed.
Perhaps you should insist on breaking up if you're dating someone who always has the last word?
6. They Constantly Request Confirmation
Constantly looking for validation is frequently an indication of long-term anxiety and dependency problems.
The notion that complementarity makes a strong base for a relationship is perhaps the biggest fallacy people fall for while looking for a partner:
He exudes such self-assurance and confidence, which truly helps me overcome my fears and doubts.
I adore how extroverted and social she is. She truly aids in my overcoming my shyness.
I adore how witty and hilarious he is. Our discussions usually make me feel quite intelligent.
She's extremely resourceful and independent. She actually aids me in pushing the limits when I need to because she has always been a rule-follower.
Couples frequently say things like this, it seems. It's also risky to depend on or assume that a partner who shares your temperament or tastes is always advantageous, even though there is nothing inherently wrong with that:
No matter how self-assured you are, it will never make your partner feel less insecure.
No matter how outgoing you are, it won't change the reality that your partner prefers quiet activities with a small group of close friends and is an introvert.
No matter how many times you reassure them and tell them everything will be good, you cannot fix someone you are dating if they have substantial self-worth, anxiety, or low confidence issues.
There's a considerable probability that your assurances may exacerbate their worries.
Furthermore, it's conceivable that when enough time has passed that you start to dislike them for it. You'll be annoyed that they depend more and more on you to give them assurance and self-assurance and that they exploit this as an excuse to put off improving themselves.
Does this consistently occur? Not. But that frequently occurs!
Now, I'm not saying that you should never date or associate with someone who experiences anxiety or insecurities. My point is that you should give it some serious thought.
And if you do, make sure you have solid proof that they are eager to work diligently on their insecurities without your help.
7. They Are Uncertain About Their Goals
Being emotionally associated with someone who is unable to express or at the very least explore what is truly important to them is perilous.
The justification is rather simple:
Having genuinely compatible values is one of the best predictors of long-term contentment in a relationship.
The person you're dating may not truly understand their beliefs if they can't articulate a few things that are important to them and why.
How do you determine whether the person you're dating shares your values if they don't know what they are?
Having a distinct set of values and principles is a challenging endeavor that frequently changes over time.
For instance, you might value friendship highly while you are in your 20s. However, spending time with your friends may not be as vital as it once was when you're in your 40s, with three children and a mortgage, compared to other values like family and financial security.
Therefore, when I advise against dating someone unsure of their priorities, I don't mean that they must precisely adhere to one particular formal value system or another.
You should be seeking someone who regularly considers their principles, can speak to them clearly, and actively pursues them.
So how can you tell whether they are truly aware of what they want? Query them!
What are some values in your life that you make an effort to uphold at all times?
What do you feel most strongly about?
Tell me about a value that you once upheld but have now come around to.
What virtues did your family teach you?
What significance do formal value systems, such as religious commandments, have for you?
What principles do you believe it's critical that we adhere to and essentially agree upon?
What happens when you pose queries like these? Does your partner become evasive and uneasy? Do they want to investigate these, even if they make them feel uneasy? Do they respond with sincere, passionate responses or do they use platitudes and shallow language?
No matter how ill-defined or nebulous, everyone has values. These principles will eventually play a significant role in your relationship.
Be cautious when dating someone who isn't responsible enough to consider and discuss their values.
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